After Thanksgiving feelings

And here is is Wednesday again... Wow! This past week has flown by. One week ago, we had a snowstorm, it was beautiful. The office closed and it allowed me to have five wonderful days with the littles. Too bad my husband did not have the same time with them. He only had Wed & Thur off and had to work the weekend. Thanksgiving came with the flurry that is the Macy's day parade, the dog show, dinner and football. It was perfect. I helped my mom make dinner and hope that in the next few months or so I will be able to make a turkey dinner. That is my goal, to learn how to and to make Thanksgiving dinner. Then the hustle and bustle of getting my stuff together for Christmas happened. But before that, I had a doctor appointment. I went for an annual check-up and looked into different options for birth control. My husband and I have come to the realization that as much as we love the children we have and we would love to have more, it just is not a possibility for us. I am sad about this. I always wanted at least 5 children, my mom comes from a big family and I get that from them. So right now we are at the point of making a decision. It is a difficult one to make, because with some of these options, there is that finality of it all, and when I think about that, it makes me sad. I am trying hard to live in the moment and pull up my big girl panties and say... hey girl, you have reached 'advanced maternal age', and having a baby might not be good for anyone involved. I am almost ready for Christmas, I have to purchase 2-3 more gifts, 2 for middle little and one for little girl. Little girl is easy, we know what we are getting her, Middle little on the other hand... He's the tough one. My husband's gift has been in the works for months and I just can't wait to give it to him, I am almost completely finished with it. Our tree is up, our stockings are hung, all we have to do now is wait for Santa to arrive!

Dropped the ball?? or do I just completely suck??

So, it has been almost a year since I last blogged and to say that I dropped the ball is a complete understatement. I have not done any of the things that I wanted to accomplish in this past year. In a nutshell, I have failed, miserably. This past year has been tough on me. I have been battling depression, battling my other demons, and I just don't love myself. When you don't love yourself, you feel that no one should love you, I love my family, my friends, but feel that none of them should love me. I don't deserve their love. When you are in a tough spot like this, it's hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself on and move forward. Sure, people on the outside can give you all the advice in the world, and while I admire that they are trying to help me, I don't always follow their advice, I don't think that people realize how hard life is for me, how hard it is to 'pretend' to be happy, while on the inside I am annoyed and just don't want to do anything, on the inside I feel empty. This year has brought much change to our household and I know that factors in on how I feel. We had the Big graduate from his school and move on to high school. That was a shock to me, to know that this was his next step, I am proud of him. With my proud, comes sadness, there will be only 4 years till he is gone, maybe I can stretch it to 8 if he wants to stay home for school, but I won't let him, I want him to go, to get out there and do the things I didn't do because I couldn't do it. Our Middle Little started Kindergarten this year. He makes me so proud. To start school and do as well as he has been doing is wonderful. We did not send him to pre-school. It was just something we decided not to do. He loves his school and I am glad about that. We spent our summer vacation at the beach. Ocean City, Maryland. My brother got married on the beach and all of our kids were in the wedding, Big was a groomsman, Middle Little was the ring bearer, and Little Girl was the flower girl. It was a good week all around. We just found out that they will be having a baby, (they wanted to start a family right away) so in May of next year, we will have a new little one around. I am glad the kids will have a new little cousin. Our lives are tough and filled with drama. This year I have decided to not make a resolution list. I break them, so my goal is to be a better person, be more engaged, more involved and hopefully to follow through with this writing. Maybe this is what I need to help me.

When I should be sleeping...

We've had some busy days between my last post and now. Family Christmas celebrations, my husband having a very hectic schedule, illness with Middle Little and Little Girl and here is is New Year's Eve. While everyone is sleeping, I am not, I was woken up by Little Girl about 4 hours ago and I cannot fall back to sleep. I am definitely not seeing the ball drop this New Year's Eve. But while they are sleeping, I am sitting here thinking about the past year, my triumphs, my failures and my heartbreaks. I do not do this every year, but as you know from my previous post, I have made a few resolutions. I am going to try my damnest to keep. I am wondering what 2014 will bring. The obvious are that Big is going to graduate and move on to high school... WOW! how fast those years have gone by. Middle Little will start elementary school and Little Girl will no doubt become potty trained and it will be official that I will have no more 'babies' in my house. This has become a sore spot with me. I love having babies around, if it were up to me we would have many more, ok, maybe not many, but at least 2 more. I love children, I always have, but while I say I love them, I honestly only love mine (and the children of my family and friends). Anywho, I went off on a rant there. Yesterday would have been my grandmother's birthday, and this year being the 10th anniversary of her death hit me with the reminicing bug. I miss her. I cannot believe that even 10 years later, it feels as though she just left me, the pain is still 'right there', that there are days when all I want to do is run to her house and have her tell me that everything is going to be ok. I have all of her and my grandfather's letters back and forth to each other during World War II and I am thinking of taking them and trying to make some sort of book out of them. I miss her and that is all there is to it. So I know I will be back soon, to post of my first book I received from my best friend. My first resolution. I am going to try to keep up to date with my workouts, my books and hopefully some funny stories of the littles. Have a Happy New Year!!

It's Monday...

This is the day that I dread, all week long.  Even sometimes on Thursdays I think... Monday will be here before we know it.  

We started this Monday off with a HUGE ice storm.  It has delayed or closed a lot of schools, delayed or cancelled a lot of flights and is just plain nasty, but it didn't delay, close or cancel my day.  Business as usual for this working girl.  I don't mind, but I would rather have one more morning of cuddles, one more day of hiding under blankets, one more day of watching movies... I say this now, but wait two weeks, when I am on winter break... I will be praying to go back to work.  13 days off, the natives will be restless.  I am working on a field trip of sorts and some coloring/new toy playing/all out kinds of fun! 

I really want to take the littles to an aquarium, we always do the zoo... but this year time got away from us. We never got the chance to get there.  I think life really did just get in the way this summer, and with the hubs working a lot of weekeends, we had weddings, engagements, birthdays...day trips just got lost in the shuffle.  I want the littles to experience the same thing the big got to.  So I guess I am going to have to differentiate between the babes in my house:

Big: he is my baby, my oldest, the one that I say "If I knew all babies would be like him... I'd have 10 more", but I am paying for it now.  Teenage angst, the silent treatment, eye-rolling, 'the face', and the sighing have all replaced the loveliness of my angelic child. Now we are dealing with almost grown-up issues.  Now we are dealing with video games, not listening, not wanting to hang out with mommy, not wanting to do anything with family, not wanting to stay on any sort of schedule whatsoever. I love him so much, I love the person he is, he has a HUGE heart and he shows it.  He is a hard worker, he is a giver, he is an awesome big, but he is a teenager and sometimes that outweighs all his goods.

Middle Little: I say little because there is a 9 year difference between Big and Middle Little.   I can do no wrong in his eyes and if I make him too mad that he won't talk to me... he can still be bribed with simple things like a donut.  He is my sweet, innocent, darling boy.  He loves to cuddle, hug, kiss, have me pick him up, spin him around and tell him stories about the time he 'lived in my belly'... He's funny and so smart, but he is relentless, he wants what he wants and he wants it now!  He will start school soon and I will be so very sad to let him go.

Little Girl:  She's the one... She is the one that keeps me up at night, keeps me completely on my toes. If there is something for her to get into, don't worry, she's already been there. She's chubby and she's fierce, she's a troublemaker but I can see she loves to the end of the earth. She's cuddly, but turn around and she'll punch you in the arm for only God knows what. 
Middle Little and Little Girl are the best of friends, but they fight like there is no tomorrow.

So those are the littles... it's quite a bunch, but I wouldn't trade anything for any of them. I know that in the blink of an eye, they will be out of the house and off living their own lives and I just want them to know how much I love them.




 

I just read... I don't DO.

I have been busy.  OK, that might be a little lie... I have been lazy. I have been tired, depressed, angry, AND lazy.  Certainly not busy though.  I think that me having a full time job, and trying to be the best mother I can be have left me in a spot where I don't care about the most important person, me!  So, you think that's selfish, selfish of me saying I am the most important person, when you already know that I am a mother? It's not. In order for me to be the best mom I can be, I have to be the best ME  I can be.  I am not doing that.

In my spare time, I mean the time that I sit at my desk and I am not solving the bigger problems of the world, I read.  I read blogs on how to be skinny, how to be healthy, how to be a better mom, how to make a better chicken parmesean, how to knit a scarf, how to crochet an afghan, I read everything and anything I can to improve me. 

Well, here it is the end of 2013 and I haven't done a darn thing.  But all that reading made me better... all that reading made me happier, skinnier, smarter, a chef... Nope, none of it.

Because I just read... I don't do.

Well... here it comes... 2014.  It will be the year of the do-er!  I am going to challenge myself to do these 3 things:

Challenge 1.  I am going to read 52 books in 2014.  I will not buy any of them, I will borrow them from people I know, from libraries and maybe even get some free swag from authors.

Challenge 2.  I am going to work out for 313 days in 2014.  Yes that seems like a lot and it seems like a huge task. It is equivilent to 6 days a week... In my head I am thinking "WTH are you thinking??"  but I'm also thinking that maybe I can do it.  Also in those 313 days, I am going to try to eat somewhat healthy.

Challenge 3.  Here is the hardest one of all... I am going to not yell at my children. I am going to enjoy them, I am going to try to make THEM better people. Because one thing is for sure, I am lazy, but I am also super bossy.

So there they are. And here I am. I am going to do my best (in my spare time) to update you on my 3 challenges.

Stay tuned...