After Thanksgiving feelings

And here is is Wednesday again... Wow! This past week has flown by. One week ago, we had a snowstorm, it was beautiful. The office closed and it allowed me to have five wonderful days with the littles. Too bad my husband did not have the same time with them. He only had Wed & Thur off and had to work the weekend. Thanksgiving came with the flurry that is the Macy's day parade, the dog show, dinner and football. It was perfect. I helped my mom make dinner and hope that in the next few months or so I will be able to make a turkey dinner. That is my goal, to learn how to and to make Thanksgiving dinner. Then the hustle and bustle of getting my stuff together for Christmas happened. But before that, I had a doctor appointment. I went for an annual check-up and looked into different options for birth control. My husband and I have come to the realization that as much as we love the children we have and we would love to have more, it just is not a possibility for us. I am sad about this. I always wanted at least 5 children, my mom comes from a big family and I get that from them. So right now we are at the point of making a decision. It is a difficult one to make, because with some of these options, there is that finality of it all, and when I think about that, it makes me sad. I am trying hard to live in the moment and pull up my big girl panties and say... hey girl, you have reached 'advanced maternal age', and having a baby might not be good for anyone involved. I am almost ready for Christmas, I have to purchase 2-3 more gifts, 2 for middle little and one for little girl. Little girl is easy, we know what we are getting her, Middle little on the other hand... He's the tough one. My husband's gift has been in the works for months and I just can't wait to give it to him, I am almost completely finished with it. Our tree is up, our stockings are hung, all we have to do now is wait for Santa to arrive!

Dropped the ball?? or do I just completely suck??

So, it has been almost a year since I last blogged and to say that I dropped the ball is a complete understatement. I have not done any of the things that I wanted to accomplish in this past year. In a nutshell, I have failed, miserably. This past year has been tough on me. I have been battling depression, battling my other demons, and I just don't love myself. When you don't love yourself, you feel that no one should love you, I love my family, my friends, but feel that none of them should love me. I don't deserve their love. When you are in a tough spot like this, it's hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself on and move forward. Sure, people on the outside can give you all the advice in the world, and while I admire that they are trying to help me, I don't always follow their advice, I don't think that people realize how hard life is for me, how hard it is to 'pretend' to be happy, while on the inside I am annoyed and just don't want to do anything, on the inside I feel empty. This year has brought much change to our household and I know that factors in on how I feel. We had the Big graduate from his school and move on to high school. That was a shock to me, to know that this was his next step, I am proud of him. With my proud, comes sadness, there will be only 4 years till he is gone, maybe I can stretch it to 8 if he wants to stay home for school, but I won't let him, I want him to go, to get out there and do the things I didn't do because I couldn't do it. Our Middle Little started Kindergarten this year. He makes me so proud. To start school and do as well as he has been doing is wonderful. We did not send him to pre-school. It was just something we decided not to do. He loves his school and I am glad about that. We spent our summer vacation at the beach. Ocean City, Maryland. My brother got married on the beach and all of our kids were in the wedding, Big was a groomsman, Middle Little was the ring bearer, and Little Girl was the flower girl. It was a good week all around. We just found out that they will be having a baby, (they wanted to start a family right away) so in May of next year, we will have a new little one around. I am glad the kids will have a new little cousin. Our lives are tough and filled with drama. This year I have decided to not make a resolution list. I break them, so my goal is to be a better person, be more engaged, more involved and hopefully to follow through with this writing. Maybe this is what I need to help me.