Dropped the ball?? or do I just completely suck??

So, it has been almost a year since I last blogged and to say that I dropped the ball is a complete understatement. I have not done any of the things that I wanted to accomplish in this past year. In a nutshell, I have failed, miserably. This past year has been tough on me. I have been battling depression, battling my other demons, and I just don't love myself. When you don't love yourself, you feel that no one should love you, I love my family, my friends, but feel that none of them should love me. I don't deserve their love. When you are in a tough spot like this, it's hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself on and move forward. Sure, people on the outside can give you all the advice in the world, and while I admire that they are trying to help me, I don't always follow their advice, I don't think that people realize how hard life is for me, how hard it is to 'pretend' to be happy, while on the inside I am annoyed and just don't want to do anything, on the inside I feel empty. This year has brought much change to our household and I know that factors in on how I feel. We had the Big graduate from his school and move on to high school. That was a shock to me, to know that this was his next step, I am proud of him. With my proud, comes sadness, there will be only 4 years till he is gone, maybe I can stretch it to 8 if he wants to stay home for school, but I won't let him, I want him to go, to get out there and do the things I didn't do because I couldn't do it. Our Middle Little started Kindergarten this year. He makes me so proud. To start school and do as well as he has been doing is wonderful. We did not send him to pre-school. It was just something we decided not to do. He loves his school and I am glad about that. We spent our summer vacation at the beach. Ocean City, Maryland. My brother got married on the beach and all of our kids were in the wedding, Big was a groomsman, Middle Little was the ring bearer, and Little Girl was the flower girl. It was a good week all around. We just found out that they will be having a baby, (they wanted to start a family right away) so in May of next year, we will have a new little one around. I am glad the kids will have a new little cousin. Our lives are tough and filled with drama. This year I have decided to not make a resolution list. I break them, so my goal is to be a better person, be more engaged, more involved and hopefully to follow through with this writing. Maybe this is what I need to help me.